I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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