Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
