DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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