he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
