I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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