so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
