I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
