So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
