If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Randomize
