Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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