We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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