Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize