she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I love you. Go after that dick
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
