Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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