She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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