I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
