wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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