i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
