Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
