so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
