somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Girls should come with a carfax report
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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