She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
