I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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