I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
