just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
