I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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