Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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