Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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