i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
