Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
