oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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