new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
