you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
