the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
