I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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