dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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