As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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