I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
