apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
