Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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