just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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