I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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