Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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