it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I have feelings that need drinking.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
