just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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