So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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