good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
