I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
