Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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