I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
