I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
