she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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