looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
