marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
