Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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