It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
