Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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