Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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