Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He felt like a one man threesome
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
