Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
