Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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