I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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